Refuge 

by Sue Challand

Getting involved with Ray was a mistake.  However, I believe it was an experience I had to go through to make me a stronger person.

            When we first started to go out together everything was fine.  The relationship deepened, and I fell in love with Ray. Then he started to drink heavily, and became verbally abusive. I considered finishing the relationship, but gave him another chance.

            We went on holiday in May last year to Skegness. All was fine for a few days, then Ray began drinking heavily again. He started to hit and punch me, and I became very afraid. Finally he fell and hit his head on the bedroom cabinet, and was rushed to hospital with a blood clot on the brain. He told the police that I had attacked him. They questioned me, but didn’t take the matter any further.

            I gave Ray a final chance. However, in November he began drinking again and became very violent towards me. He threatened to kill me, but I escaped to a refuge in Nottingham.

            I was very depressed for a while. The refuge was a restrictive place. You were put on a staying-in rota, and were expected to stay in for six or seven hours at a time, to buzz people in and out of the security gate, and to do general cleaning. Most of the other refuges in Nottingham give the residents keys, and people were not expected to do shifts. But this was not the case at this refuge.

            After a few months I started to feel better. I went back to church: I am a Christian and my faith is essential to me. I started to attend the Porchester Unit Day Centre which was - and still is - a lifeline to me, and I rejoined the Nottingham Writers Club and Nottingham Poetry Society.

            However, the staff at the refuge were not helpful. They tried to force me to move into a warden aided complex, but I made it clear that I did not want to live alone. None of them had ever experienced domestic violence at first hand. I believe that at least a few of the staff in a refuge should have first hand experience of domestic violence themselves in order to empathise with the residents.

            However, they did arrange for me to see a counsellor who was very helpful, and a nice teacher, Kathleen, came from Castle College, and taught me how to use a laptop so I could process my poems.

            I got on with most of the other residents at the refuge, but only made two good friends during the eight months I was there. The refuge was noisy. Young children didn’t go to bed until late, and would shout and scream for attention. My sleep pattern went haywire. I was up at 3am most mornings, but at least it was peaceful then.

            In July I heard that I had been accepted by Advanced Housing for shared accommodation. But I couldn’t move in for a few weeks. In desperation I went to stay with a woman who I’d met in the refuge. She had a flat, and said I could stay for a while. In retrospect this was a mistake. She became very spiteful, and said I’d have to leave without giving a good reason.

            Fortunately, on the same day, Advanced Housing let me move in to a lovely shared house in Mapperley.  I am now really happy there, thank God, and have some stability in my life again.

            Ray died a few months ago. I was sad about this, but didn’t grieve. It is time now for me to move on. The experience has not damaged me, and I hope I will meet someone nice and form a new relationship soon.

            Refuges have a place in society if they are properly run, and consider the needs of the residents.  I only hope and pray though, that I will never need their help again.